Getting Older

I just celebrated my 39th birthday with as little fanfare as possible. In the past I have been told that I get morbid and depressed around this fateful day. I have to admit that I do get quite moody near my birthday because I usually have a laundry list of goals I hadn't accomplished attached to a certain age.

When I turned 21, I sat in my father's chair and cried my eyes out because I was supposed to have written the great American novel, gotten married, and started a family. Looking back, my goals were a tad bit unrealistic considering I was in college trying to figure out who I was. I know that sounds glib, but it's true. If anyone at the age of 21 tells you that they know who they are and what their doing, they are disillusioned. The percentage of people who defy this theory is very small. I've known people who have gotten married at 21 to later try to gnaw off their wedding bands years later with a crazed look of horror on their face. They look like they have awaken from a dream to discover that they really are falling off a cliff. Unfortunately many of these people have children they introduced into their self made hell who suffer. The suffering of these children only get realized on a therapist couch years later.

The age of 25 is not too far from 21, but the mental growth is great if you were paying attention. At 25 I was paying attention and I nursed my annual mourning like a newborn baby. I was old enough to realize I still had some lessons to learn. I was getting to know myself and found that I was young and dumb. That was a cocktail for the wisdom I'll imbibe when I turned 3o. Mind you, my list was still long and ambitious, but I had an attitude that time was running out. Biological clocks were chiming and "everyone" was getting married. I felt the need to grab the first wanker that stumbled in my path, marry him, and multiply. BIG MISTAKE!!! The percentage of women who take that desperate leap before turning 30 may be quite high. I don't have the data to prove the number to be high, but I have the life stories of women who got scared and desperate toward their late 20's.

Now another milestone is 30. Now by the age of 30, I was divorced, childless, and wonderfully free. At the age of 30, I felt like I have awakened from a dull, aimless journey called the 20's. My depression on this birthday stemmed from the fact that I was divorced and still unpublished. The whole "having children" vibe had gone out the window because I was "old" now. So I decided to take life a minute at a time. I savored every opportunity and started living. With every passing year, I would get the birthday blues, but after the tears and Mexican beer, I was good. After a year of living aimlessly, I decided to be proactive. I looked at my laundry list and decided to be more aggressive in making "it" happen.

At the age of 39, I have addressed my laundry list. As my birthday month marched on, for the first time I did not get moody. There are still some items that need to be addressed, but the most important items have been addressed and I'm fine with that. Now I wonder what 40 holds for me.